I made that name up. Last year, when this all began, I took a big hit to my mental health. I've had issues with anxiety since grad school, but for the majority of the time, I've been able to handle it without meds or interventions. Around March, after a few months of illness without explanation, my anxiety got really bad. What does that have to do with a cuttlefish? Well, it was my view of the world and how I interacted with people.
A cuttlefish has an incredible ability to camouflage itself. It can change its color as well as the texture of its skin. I even saw a video where one was put on a checkerboard to see what it would do. Just amazing abilities. As I looked back on my life, I realized that I was trying my best to be a cuttlefish. I had certain responsibilities with work, family, church, and friends that were very hard to maintain. I don't think they were hard in themselves, but the way that I approached them made them difficult at the best of times, and overwhelming at the worst. So, what was my approach?
I'm not sure if everyone feels this way, but I've always seen myself as somewhat awkward and had a difficult time fitting into social situations. I over-evaluated the situation to determine (what I thought) were the expectations of the other people and what role I should play. I tried my best to live up to certain standards that I set for myself, thinking they were the standards that were expected of me. Was I being dishonest or acting outside of my character? No. I was genuine in upholding my beliefs and morals, but I was rarely me. I was who I thought that I was expected to be in that moment.
If that's not bad enough, I also had an overwhelming desire to make everyone happy. I constantly tried to lift everyone else up, and hold them steady, thinking that I would be able to keep going forever. But, eventually, I broke. The final straw was long covid, but it had been building up for some time. Ending up where I am now was actually a blessing in disguise, it gave me a chance to step out of my life and really start to put the pieces together. Now I'm rebuilding mentally (physically is still a ways away) and changing the way I think and act.
Why the cuttlefish comparison? Every time it changes, it uses energy and stamina. The more difficult the camouflage required (like a checkerboard) the more energy required to get it and maintain. I was getting to the point where interaction was tiring and I just wanted to avoid everyone so I didn't have to use energy that I no longer had.
My thought patterns that are different now. I can't do everything for everyone. I can only be who I am, not what I think other people want. I can accept help and be grateful for it. I can say no. It's a process that will take a long time, but I already feel better, mentally, than I have for a long time.
