Cuttlefish Syndrome

 I made that name up. Last year, when this all began, I took a big hit to my mental health. I've had issues with anxiety since grad school, but for the majority of the time, I've been able to handle it without meds or interventions. Around March, after a few months of illness without explanation, my anxiety got really bad. What does that have to do with a cuttlefish? Well, it was my view of the world and how I interacted with people. 

A cuttlefish has an incredible ability to camouflage itself. It can change its color as well as the texture of its skin. I even saw a video where one was put on a checkerboard to see what it would do. Just amazing abilities. As I looked back on my life, I realized that I was trying my best to be a cuttlefish. I had certain responsibilities with work, family, church, and friends that were very hard to maintain. I don't think they were hard in themselves, but the way that I approached them made them difficult at the best of times, and overwhelming at the worst. So, what was my approach?

I'm not sure if everyone feels this way, but I've always seen myself as somewhat awkward and had a difficult time fitting into social situations. I over-evaluated the situation to determine (what I thought) were the expectations of the other people and what role I should play. I tried my best to live up to certain standards that I set for myself, thinking they were the standards that were expected of me. Was I being dishonest or acting outside of my character? No. I was genuine in upholding my beliefs and morals, but I was rarely me. I was who I thought that I was expected to be in that moment. 

If that's not bad enough, I also had an overwhelming desire to make everyone happy. I constantly tried to lift everyone else up, and hold them steady, thinking that I would be able to keep going forever. But, eventually, I broke. The final straw was long covid, but it had been building up for some time. Ending up where I am now was actually a blessing in disguise, it gave me a chance to step out of my life and really start to put the pieces together. Now I'm rebuilding mentally (physically is still a ways away) and changing the way I think and act.

Why the cuttlefish comparison? Every time it changes, it uses energy and stamina. The more difficult the camouflage required (like a checkerboard) the more energy required to get it and maintain. I was getting to the point where interaction was tiring and I just wanted to avoid everyone so I didn't have to use energy that I no longer had. 

My thought patterns that are different now. I can't do everything for everyone. I can only be who I am, not what I think other people want. I can accept help and be grateful for it. I can say no. It's a process that will take a long time, but I already feel better, mentally, than I have for a long time. 

Ups and downs

 The last two weeks have been colder, so I've spent some more time indoors. That's good in one respect because I was able to identify a light sensitivity that causes me to lose energy. On the other hand, it's very difficult to remain content being indoors all of the time. I decided to try to add a little activity into the day to see how I would respond physically. On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, Amber and I went on a walk (10-14 min, 0.3 to 0.5 miles). During the walks I functioned fairly well, just some slight knee buckling and wobbles at times. When Thursday evening rolled around, I began to wilt. I had planned on going to William's cross country potluck, but I was pretty wiped out by the time it came. I spent most of the morning Friday in and out of sleep. By Friday evening I was feeling a little better and went to nerd night to play pathfinder with some friends. I was definitely more subdued than normal and was really tired at the end. Saturday morning was similar to Friday and the afternoon mostly consisted of laying around. Today isn't much different, still wiped out. Mentally, I'm dealing much better with where I'm at, but I still get frustrated with my inability to perform any amount of physical activity. 

CPAP and diet

 Two nights ago, I started using a CPAP while sleeping since I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. I'm usually a stomach to side sleeper, so this is taking some getting used to. During the sleep study I had issues an average of every three minutes, but no problem with my oxygen levels. I've never woken up gasping or feeling short of breath, but the study showed I had no REM or deep sleep, only light sleep the whole night.

I've also been on a really strict diet for the last four weeks. I started with the autoimmune protocol diet and am progressing to the anti-inflammatory then the MIND diet. I only add one new food each week. Last week was tomatoes and it did not go well. I had headaches almost every night along with burning in my bladder two out of the four nights that I had tomatoes. This week is eggs, and it's going much better. Next week: macadamia nuts. The AIP diet is very strict, only allowing certain fruits, vegetables, and unprocessed meats. I have lost about twenty pounds since I started. 

Lots of updates

 We are extremely blessed!  I've fallen behind on here on blogging. A lot has happened. Let me try and catch up briefly on a few things. Eric's neurologist in Vegas thinks that Eric will recover. Eric's last EEG showed improvements. Less brain burn out and an increase in brain energy.  We did an exercise test in San Francisco that showed abnormalities on every level possible.  I'll try and post those results maybe.  After being a stay-at-home mom for 18 years I was amazed that I didn't even have to look for a job but they just started falling out of the sky in my lap.  I worked briefly as the housekeeper for two different hotels/bed and breakfast. I was offered Allison's pantry.  I was able to get a full-time job working from home with benefits for $14.15 hour.  It's a start. I went to school for X-ray and ultrasound but there are only three x-ray positions in the entire County with no openings currently.  One of the X-ray techs is due to retire in about 2 years and the other one is 67. So something will come open sooner or later.  I start my full time job with benefits, working from home tomorrow. It will be easier on Eric me and the kids with me working from home. I finished my first Alison's pantry order.  It was far from flawless but it went well for the most part. It will get easier and faster as I learn the products.

Salt Lake

    We are here in Salt Lake City lying in bed at 5:45 a.m. waiting for our Dr appointment at 7 at the University of Utah covid 19 long hauler clinic.  We aren't holding our breathe because no one seems to have a cure for long covid but we are hopeful that if there's any help to be had it's going to be here.  This clinic is supposed to be on the same level as the Mayo clinic.  Eric was diagnosed with long covid at the Covid aftercare clinic in Vegas but they offered no treatment or advice or anything. They only sent us to specialists to see what the extent of damage was. We are hoping this University of Utah clinic will offer some sort of treatment. 

     The test results from the specialists have all been negative so far meaning his lungs and heart and brain look good. We have one last test result we are waiting on- the EEG. 

     

    

     

Long covid

 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0gLmMPOHDwM&t=59s

Blessings

 

A week ago without asking  my ministering sister bought all the school supplies we needed for the kids to start school. I was so grateful because it was really low down on the priority list but was something that needed my attention.  Today she dropped off six bags of groceries. It's been really appreciated because there have been times when Eric and I have felt alone just because we're having a hard time finding a doctor who can help us.  These two acts of kindness have helped me to feel seen and heard, cared for, and loved.